Change

I am so sorry for the lack of posts. I suppose I kept the hospice experience more intimate. The purpose of this post is to show the change my Mom has endured over the past few months, and to note a more substantial decline in the last few weeks.

Since our visit to my mom in April, my brother Corey made it out in May to see Mom. I love this first picture of them. It makes me want to jump inside and hug them both! This will be a treasure for Corey to have to look back on.

This weekend, baby Kurt and I returned home from a week long trip to see my Mom again. It is so fun to see her face light up when she see's Kurtis. Here are some photos from our trip.

I could probably list off all of the not so pretty things about how cancer is treating her, but I won't. Just know she is in a lot of pain and discomfort, and she is loved and taken care of. The hospice nurses that come are very sweet and helpful. My Mom has such dear friends who have stepped in a carried her through this significant trial in her life. The support, help and love extended to my family makes my heart swell. The countless meals, treats, flowers, cards and more, brought over strengthens the foundation of faith we stand on as we approach the end. Mom you are the sweetest and most selfless person I know. What an honor it has been to help and serve you, even if it was only a few days. I am so grateful for those who are still helping. We love you Mom!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

My mother is still doing well. I expected complete bed rest when I heard hospice. She is up and about, but not as much as before. Garrett and I wanted to bring her grandson, Kurtis, for a visit while she could still enjoy him. Not to mention we were a bit homesick for the pacific northwest. So we booked the flights and had one goal...to spend as much time with my mom, and family, as possible! (Corey, we missed you!!)

While we were there we had some last minute family pictures done at home by Chantel. (www.photographybyblush.com) They turned out so beautiful!

Dear Friends and Family

This is Valerie again, my family and I have appreciated feeling your love and prayers on our behalf. It feels good to be lifted and supported throughout this experience. This post will be the hardest to share since the news of my mom's diagnosis.

After the last CT scan decisions of what to do next faced us like a dead end street. There was one last treatment option, a targeted therapy, technically not chemotherapy. Weighing the pros and cons of the treatment, at first it seemed automatic to just get started on it, because what other choice did we have? Well, it comes down to quality of life. We knew in the beginning this was terminal. It is not about chasing treatments, it's about making my mom feel as comfortable and as pain free as possible while enjoying time with family and friends. With this last treatment came side effects that would have given her more bad days than good. It was not worth it to continue treatment, so she has stopped them. We feel this was the best decision! With nothing else to be done she is now on hospice.

I remember getting the call, I was looking out of my bedroom window. Everything went blurry for a minute and my heart sank. As I was holding my 2 month old son, I felt so sad. A kind of sad I have never felt before. A flood of memories came over me and clashed with moments I had envisioned in the future with my mom. After it sank in, that she will be passing soon, I felt an overwhelming sense of strength and peace. I feel so loved by God and I know He wants me to be happy. I know without a doubt that she will still be part of my life. She will be with me in spirit and I will see her again. I love her so much.

Cancer Spreading

Last week was not a good one. The effects of chemo felt particularly awful. The next day started getting better but then my neck became very sore and tender, right near the area where I had had the lump. My neck has not been an issue. The tumor seemed to melt away quickly in the beginning and hasn't been a problem since, but I couldn't ignore this new tenderness. I called into my nurse to let her know about it and ask what I should do. I was waiting for her to speak to the doctor and call me back. As time passed I felt increasing worse, not in my neck but my stomach felt horrible. I called again and added this new symptom. They wanted to see me. I went in the next day and they couldn't tell anything from the blood work so they sent me in for a CT scan. Rather than just scan my neck I suggested he do a full scan since we were only a few weeks away from my scheduled scan anyway, so they did. The scan showed that my tumors are growing and the cancer has spread. They saw several tumors in my abdomen around my intestines, not in an organ. There was a fuzzy area in my neck that they think is nothing but aren't 100% sure. My doctor was definitely more concerned with the new tumors than he was with the growth of the old ones. Treatment needs to change so we are stopping the folfiri and going to the next and final chemo option called regorafenib.
Several months ago my daughter posted the following on her Facebook. I was so impressed by her ability to put into words such a vivid discription of her feelings (and the feelings of all of us) that I wanted to share it here.

"Bad days are expected. It's what you prepare for when you first hear "cancer". It's sort of like standing at the edge of a cliff with a blindfold on. You know you're at the edge but to look would be too scary. When you stand there long enough, you get used to the idea of being at the edge of a cliff. Then the wind gets a little stronger and pushes you, and you hear rocks fall as your balance slips, your stomach sinks, and all the scary feelings come back." -Valerie

Along the way we have experienced good days and bad, blessings, miracles and hard things to handle. It is human of us to have fear and anxiety when things are not good. To use Valerie’s analogy of the cliff, it is clear that at some point we must go over the cliff. We see that going over the cliff is going to bring pain and suffering and our fear and anxiety build. But if we know where to turn for peace we can feel peace even in the middle of our trials. There are several things that bring me peace. 1) Knowing that I have friends and family to help, comfort and lean on during these times. 2) Knowing that there are many on the other side who love us and watch over us as well. 3) Knowing that my Savior, Jesus Christ, is aware of me and loves me and His sacrifice made it possible for me to be forgiven of my sins, have peace in my heart, be able to return to Him, and with His help I can bear all things. Knowing these things helps me to see the cliff a little differently. I think when the time comes, we will find ourselves not falling but being carried by angels and placed gently on the other side.

Lots of joy!

Today was an awesome day! Ian came home from his two year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on January 7th. He spoke in church today and shared with us how he learned to recognize and follow the Spirit. He shared how his understanding of the gospel grew as he studied. And how when he learned of my cancer just as he was beginning his mission he studied harder and learned for himself the plan of salvation and spoke of the peace he felt when he understood it. His testimony is firm. I can't include everything he said here but it has brought me great joy to see his growth, and to know that he knows.

On the evening of the 7th, after picking up Ian, I wasn't feeling well. I went to lay down and when I woke up a couple hours later, I had a fever. I'm supposed to call into my doctor any time I have a fever. I haven't had a fever in a long time. But I know that because they only seem to happen at night, it means a trip to the ER. Sure enough we found ourselves in the ER. I was so afraid that I was neutropenic and that I would be admitted and our trip to Atlanta on the 9th would have to be postponed. But as sure as everybody seemed to be that I was neutropenic and would be admitted, it turned out not to be the case. They determined that I had picked up some kind of virus and would be fine to travel. Yay! So by the end of the next day I was feeling back to myself again and we were anxiously packing to go and see our new grandson!

Our trip was awesome! We stayed with my son-in-law's parents who are also friends of ours. They were very gracious for putting us up and putting up with us for over a week. It was nice to see them and catch up. I had all of my children together in one place and seeing my grandson was amazing. He is adorable and already you can see some if his personality.  It was incredible watching my daughter be a mother and seeing how my sons adored their nephew. We were exited to see Eddie's brother and his wife an their daughter. They flew down for a day to see everyone. It was nice catching up with them. Between Valerie and I we couldn't go out and do as much as we would have liked but the boys did a few fun things like going shooting and visiting the aquarium and playing basketball together. My favorite was going to story corps. It is free and their mission is to provide people of all backgrounds and beliefs with the opportunity to record, share, and preserve the stories of our lives. What an awesome idea! You get to go into a room, record your story and they preserve it and you get a copy! We originally were going to go in and have my husband record his 9/11 experience but at the last minute we decided that I would go in with my three sons and we would talk about this cancer experience and how it has affected each of us. What a special time that was. I enjoyed that conversation and the time spent with them so much. It was the right conversation to have.

So, now I'm back home ready to settle into a routine again but feeling so blessed with life's greatest blessings. A grandson. A son who has come home a man, ready to do what the Lord wants him to do. A daughter who has become a mother and her husband who is good and patient and helpful. A son who is serving his country and has such high ambitions and goals for his life. And another son who is preparing to go out on a mission and serve. I am grateful for all these things and more. It's a wonderful life!

Now back to January 6th and the ct scan results. There are two things they look at when making a determination on how treatment will go. The first is the tumor markers and the second is the ct scan. The scan is more heavily relied on than the tumor markers. This scan showed that right now things are stable meaning things are not growing  (they're not shrinking either) but the tumor markers have gone up. This chemo has been a hard one on me. He reduced the chemo a couple of rounds ago and I have done better. But he's thinking that the reduction is what has caused the numbers to go up. So he is going to increase the chemo back to 100% but take out the 5FU part of the chemo which is what is in the pump that I bring home for two days. The thought of not coming home with a pump makes me want to jump for joy and may be the only reason I agreed to go back up to 100%. We'll see how this goes. Hanging on till my next scan in a couple of months.