Missing Her

This is my last planned post.

The past 11 weeks I have had constant flash backs from any given moment in time with my Mom. She is dead, but still very much alive. At night, in my dreams, I can even smell her. I have never lost someone close to me before. It's a shame she had to be my first. I sometimes think of what we would be doing if she never had cancer. Right now, she would be on her way to Charlotte to squish her cute grandson and help me make our new house a home by decorating and, well, you name it. How we both looked forward to that, and so many things.

Between the memories and clinging thoughts of her, I can hear a distant voice so clear "...it's cancer." My heart sank to the point of disappearing. I spent over two years pulling my heart back up only to find she's taken it with her. It feels gone forever. Somehow life goes on. It really is odd. The day she was diagnosed and the day she died. Those two moments changed me forever. They literally altered my being. I am able to see others who are going through this, with so much understanding. I know that is how our Savior sees us. He suffered for us so that He can understand us and know how to comfort us. The atonement goes so much deeper, but I have experienced His pure love for us, charity, because of this heartache. I have a deeper understanding and love for others because I know what it feels like. I am so grateful that I can turn to Christ in my trials and feel peace. Also, for those around me who have shown me love and understanding during this.

Watching my Mom breathe her last few minutes, I can not express to you the way she showed me such strength. It was scary and it was painful, for us both. But it was also in a way, beautiful. Knowing how she lived her life and imagining her welcomed home with open arms. I can not wait to see her again.

I feel like she is very present in my life. I love that. It's not how I pictured it, but nothing can break our bond as family, not even death. For however long I have left in this life, I hope I can endure it well, like she did.

_ _ _

Thank you to all of our friends and family who helped with the funeral and graveside services. And for all of those in attendance. It was heartwarming to see so many people. My family and I have certainly felt loved.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Wednesday, July 16 at 6:15pm our Mom passed away. She was awake and alert when she left. We were there to watch her go. How badly I wanted to stop her suffering. It was difficult to watch, but I knew letting her get through it was the only way she would be pain free and with her own Mom again. I miss her so much. Words do not even come close to explaining the feelings we all felt, and still feel. She was an amazing woman. How grateful we are to call her "mom", our family's sweetheart. There is a hole in our hearts, until we see her again. My dear dad has been a rock for us and handled her passing with such grace and faith. Her battle with cancer is lost, but not without a few good kicks from Dawna and all who love her.

Please join us in gathering for her funeral services in Monroe, Washington.

The funeral service will be held Monday July 21st

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

17332 Tester Road

Viewing will be 9:00-10:30am

Funeral service will begin at 11:00am

There will be a graveside service in Brigham City, Utah on July 24th at Brigham City Cemetery at 9:00am, where we will lay her body to rest.

Thank you for the love and support extended. Keep the love coming!

Change

I am so sorry for the lack of posts. I suppose I kept the hospice experience more intimate. The purpose of this post is to show the change my Mom has endured over the past few months, and to note a more substantial decline in the last few weeks.

Since our visit to my mom in April, my brother Corey made it out in May to see Mom. I love this first picture of them. It makes me want to jump inside and hug them both! This will be a treasure for Corey to have to look back on.

This weekend, baby Kurt and I returned home from a week long trip to see my Mom again. It is so fun to see her face light up when she see's Kurtis. Here are some photos from our trip.

I could probably list off all of the not so pretty things about how cancer is treating her, but I won't. Just know she is in a lot of pain and discomfort, and she is loved and taken care of. The hospice nurses that come are very sweet and helpful. My Mom has such dear friends who have stepped in a carried her through this significant trial in her life. The support, help and love extended to my family makes my heart swell. The countless meals, treats, flowers, cards and more, brought over strengthens the foundation of faith we stand on as we approach the end. Mom you are the sweetest and most selfless person I know. What an honor it has been to help and serve you, even if it was only a few days. I am so grateful for those who are still helping. We love you Mom!

Here's to Family

The results of the CT scan my mom had a few weeks ago showed no growth in her tumors. Only the tumor in her thyroid shrunk just a little. Because of these results, the doctor decided to keep her on folfox (the current chemo she has been on) for another two months of treatments. She will have another CT scan at the end to check the progress again and decide from there if there will be any changes.

From the talks I've had with her and check in calls, she gets tired more frequently now. Her hair has started to thin again. She has even started feeling nauseous and throwing up (sorry mom, but friends should know). I will catch her working on her quilts and doing things she loves which makes me feel so grateful. I am so happy she has energy to keep going. However hard it is and however sick she feels sometimes, I know she keeps going for us, her kiddies. I wish our family was closer so that we could be more helpful and share more memories together, but I know even when we can't see the daily struggles and feelings she has, that she thinks of us and finds it in her to keep going. I know we all think of her often and are amazed. There is nothing better than family and I feel so lucky to have mine. For those who haven't heard, the youngest in our family, Jason, is leaving in August to serve a two year LDS mission in the Philippines. I know it was a hard decision for him to make, but hard as it was our family is so proud of his decision. In January, we will welcome home Ian who is serving his mission in San Diego. My mom has been holding strong especially for him. He was gone when we learned about the cancer. I know when the two of them meet again, it will be a very sweet reunion. There is something about our family being apart, but feeling close. I love knowing I have them forever.

A Failed Attempt

Valerie Here. I am at SCCA with my mom, on her computer, while she is getting her next round of chemo. No changes to her chemo treatments yet.On Friday the 19th she went in for a lung biopsy to confirm if the growing/multiplying tumors in her lungs were in fact cancer. The rest of her organs have been stable with the current chemo. The procedure was 2 hours long. Her back was numbed in the area they would be putting the needle in. She laid on her stomach and was told to breathe in and out the same amount of breath as they pushed the needle deeper. She was not sedated for this, the local anesthetic did not take away all of the pain. When the needle hit her ribs it hurt her. They had to maneuver around the ribs. When the needle was pushed though the layer that surrounds the lung, that also hurt her. They had just gotten the needle through the lung and were very close to getting the targeted tumor when the lung leaked air and began to collapse. As the lung collapsed the tumor moved farther away from the needle until the needle was no longer poking the lung. It was too risky to poke it again with the air escaping, so they pulled the needle out of her and stopped the biopsy. They did an X-ray to see how much it was shrinking. She was hooked up to oxygen for the following six hours of rest at the hospital. They monitored her to make sure she was getting better not worse. They would not let her eat until two hours before leaving in case they needed to do a chest tube to drain fluids, or anything else in an emergency to fix her lung. She turned out to be ok and was not admitted! We were glad to be home friday night. She was to get lots of rest for a couple days and not go up/down stairs or lift anything heavy. It hurt her to breathe, especially if she sat up. Her back was also sore from the needle.For those of you who don't know this, my mom rarely sleeps more than 4 hours a night (I know, how in the world is she surviving!?). The night of the lung biopsy she slept for 10.5 hours! She felt so good and well rested the next morning. I had to make sure she didn't push herself since she was still healing. Its so frustrating for her to be held back, physically. I don't blame her. I am so grateful for her energy and the times she feels "normal." I hope that continues to be a big part of her life and the moments of pain and sick feelings are kept to a minimum.As for the biopsy, we are thinking there will not be a second try. Which we are completely ok with. Her doctor is going to decide for the next round, if the chemo will change or not. Most likely it will.I have been so impressed with my Mom throughout all of this, but she gains giant boosts of confidence when she hears from all of you in a variety of ways. You are what keeps her fighting strong. Thanks for expressing your love and support. Keep it coming!

Good News and News

The good news is...Valerie followed me back to Seattle for what started out as a two week visit and has now turned into three! She came out to help with putting the house back together from the water damage. The new floor is in, and GORGEOUS! We all love it! Downstairs is all painted. The bathroom is nearly complete. It feels like a new house downstairs. Thanks to friends who came to help us in such stressful times. We appreciate the support and feel very loved!

Now for the news. After the last four rounds of chemo my numbers have dropped to 345. Today was my CT scan and we went over the results with my oncologist. The CT scan showed that the tumors in my liver and thyroid are stable...not growing, but the tumors in my lungs are growing and multiplying. He wants to be 100% sure that the new growth is cancer so I will be going in for a biopsy in the next couple of days. If it is not cancer, we will continue the treatment I am on now, folfox. If it is cancer, the chemo regimen will change, to folfiri. I qualify for a clinical trial. It will be an addition to the folfiri. Some of the side effects with the new chemo will be nausea, anorexia, acne rash and no more neuropathy (cold sensitivity and tingling in hands/feet).

It was expected that I would stop responding to the folfox at some point and would be switched to another chemo. There are four chemo regimens. All that I have done up to this point has been the first. If we switch, it will begin the second. There is a 50/50 chance that the clinical trial could be a better treatment. We have the choice to participate. I feel it is worth a shot.

One Day at a Time

Two days after getting back, my mom went in for chemo. She explained about her pain during her trip here and the Doctor decided to change up some of the meds and put her more in control over which at home meds she needed. During the infusion she broke out in a red rash. After stopping the chemo, the nurse talked to the doctor,and gave my mom Benadryl then waited a half hour. When she started the chemo again, it began with a slower drip and gradually built up to the normal flow. She was fine, but the Benadryl of course made her sleep. We'll see how she handles the side effects this week! Now that she has shown hypersensitivity to the oxaliplatin, she will need benadryl, or something like it, each time she goes in for chemo. The nurse said this hypersensitivity doesn't happen when you first start chemo but down the line several rounds later. Your body finally says, "Ok! I've had enough, I don't like you" and the Benadryl calms it down.

It's a watch and see situation. She may tolerate it just fine with Benedryl or something similar or she may just get to the point of not tolerating it anymore. Her numbers have gone down to 365, so they are moving in the right direction. Also, her white blood cell count was low so they gave her a shot to boost her white blood cells and told her to expect to be in pain for a couple of weeks.

In other news, I am hearing the new wood floor is beautiful! It was hard for my mom to be 3,000 miles away  while they laid the new floor from the water damage. (See here) I still can't believe that happened. A special thanks to all those who helped my parents with that. It is so comforting to know they have incredible friends who love them and would help out any way they can!

Everything works out one way or the other. Life is not suppose to be easy, of course. I know where to find peace. I know I am loved and hard things are for my growth. For all the 'surprises' in our lives, here's to taking one day at a time and getting good perspective from it.

CT Scan

Monday was my latest CT Scan. It showed that most of my tumors have remained the same but a couple of the tumors in my lungs have grown just a little bit and my numbers have gone up a little. They are 269. Also my thyroid is low so I am now taking medication for my thyroid.  My doctor said overall he is happy with the scan. Considering where I was in the beginning, this is still a good place to be, and believe me, I agree. I still feel good. Sometimes I get really tired but hopefully the new meds will help with that.
I've tried several times to respond to your comments and for some reason I can't, but I want all of you to know that I read and appreciate each of your comments. I am thankful to have the support of amazing and wonderful friends in my life.

Coming Up

My mom is currently at a girls camp, for our church, as a guest speaker. She was feeling well enough to go! I can not believe the progress she has been making since January, it has been incredible to witness.

In July I moved to Charlotte, North Carolina and it has been hard being so far away from her. I have been home since the beginning of it all and not being able to see the day to day has been...an adjustment. It is comforting to know she is feeling good!

I would still prefer to be closer to her.

Her next big appointment is another CT Scan on August 6th,

three days from now.

Let's pray those tumors have shrunk lots more!

I am still in shock how widespread the cancer is. It is hard to believe. But as along as she is still responding to treatment, it is good news and things are continuing to look up...right?

Results from the 2nd CT Scan

I just got back home from an all day adventure at SCCA. First we did the CT scan and then had 3 hours to kill before meeting with the Doctor to get the results. We went to the mall and had brunch...I love brunch. :)
Then we browsed through some stores and had fun window shopping...wishing money was no object.

The results of the CT scan showed that all tumors are smaller and nothing new has cropped up. Good news!
My cancer marker is now 877! Again, that's down from 16,000 and just last month 1400!
So chemotherapy is working! The Doc gave me a couple of choices. I could continue on chemo as we have been doing or I could go on the chemo pill. The downside of going on the pill is that he doesn't know what dosage will be right for me so we need to start and then tweak it til we get it right. But I chose the pill anyway. Once it's tweaked just right it sounds easier. I still have to go in every three weeks for some kind of infusion...sorry I can't remember what but it's just a small part. And every 2 months I go in for another CT scan.

With all the love and prayers being sent in our behalf it's no wonder the cancer is running scared. I do not feel alone in this battle. I can feel so many warriors standing behind me and beside me in support.
Thank you to all of you for your love, support and prayers. I am glad to have the love of family and friends through all of this.
Ultimately it is not what the doctors say and it is not what we want for ourselves but it is in God's hands and I put my trust in Him.

Mother's day blessings

So, I figured I had better put an update on the blog. I have been handling the Chemo pretty well until this last one. This week was a little tough. There is a side effect that affects the hands and feet. I've had it a couple of times before but never as bad as this week. My feet hurt so bad it was very hard to walk. I'm supposed to put lotion on them to keep them from cracking and peeling. As soft as I could I would apply the lotion but it was still painful. It's a burning pain and very tender to the touch. Even today I went to church and my feet were still a little tender in my shoes. It's never lasted this long before. This along with other side effects has made this week a little tough.
I am still grateful for all the little things that come into my life to make it easy to keep going. This mother's day was the best. I spoke to all of my children including my missionary. It was wonderful! I loved listening as they talked and laughed with each other. My kids really do love each other! :))) I love watching them develop into capable, confident adults and enjoy each other's company. This makes me very happy.
Thank you to my family for the best Mother's Day ever!

Hawaii and other updates...

This past round of Chemo brought with it some random side effects. One was that my feet started to really hurt in the middle of the night. The next day they were all red and it hurt to walk. I wasn't sure what it was but after talking to the nurse she said it was related to the Chemo and that they might have to ajust the treatment next time.

Eddie and I were surprised last week with a trip to Hawaii!!! A collection was made and several people from Eddie's work donated money to get us to Hawaii, including plane tickets, a place to stay and all expenses! What a sweet and generous gift! We had a great time. It was nice to see the sun, and just get away. Thank you to everyone who made that possible.

We continue to see blessings in our lives and consider our friends and family to be among the biggest. The love and concern that is expressed by so many touches my heart-even from strangers that I've never met.

Ian shared  our story with his ward and they are concerned about me. I have recieved cards and notes from members of his ward expressing their concern for me and letting me know they are praying for me. While I appreciate the prayers in my behalf  it is so nice to know that Ian, being away from home, is also being loved and supported by such caring people.

Monday is my 4th Chemo and halfway mark. On April 6th I go in for CT scan to see how I am responding to treatments. If it goes well, the plan is to have 4 more treatments.

Family Visits and Cancer Updates

Mom's brothers took turns to come see her.

She has 6 brothers and 1 sister.

5 out of 6 brothers came and

her sister is coming at the end of this month

Uncle Lee with Mom

Uncle Dan with Mom

Us with Uncle Dale, Uncle Tom, Aunt Angela and Uncle John

Cancer Updates

Mom had her third treatment this week and everything went well! She is feeling good. It amazing me how with all of the chemicals they are pumping in her, she can feel the way she does.

I expected so much worse (and it can be).

We are all feeling the strength of your prayers.

It really makes a difference! In more ways than you think.

_______

From Mom's blood work there are numbers called cancer
counters that represent how much cancer is in her.

She started off with 16,000 and was down to 11,000.
The doctor called today to say it is now down to 6,000!

To give some perspective...normal is 5. Not 500 not 5,000 just 5.

It seems to be working but we have a long way to go.

April 6th is a CT Scan that will tell more of the progress of the

treatments and will determine future treatments.

Feeling Good

Mom's second round of chemo went a lot better than the first. She still had an ER trip though. This time it was because of chest pain. Cancer patients can develop blood clots easier so with the chest pain we were told to go in and have it checked out.

Thankfully, everything turned out just fine.

Mom was able to keep food down and had good energy. (She still gets tired a lot, but she found herself doing more things this time) She did not feel nauseous at all either! It was a really good week...especially compared to her first week on chemo.
Her first week she was very sick and nauseous and just all around uncomfortable. She had fevers which could lead to infection so we would go to the ER to have that checked out. She always turned out to be ok. Just long nights at the hospital. She could not keep anything down and had to get rehydrated through an IV. Not easy at all, but she leveled out and made it through.

Thank you for all of your prayers! We are definitely feeling them.

Donation Fund

Good friends of ours started a donation fund for my mom.

We have friends and family all over the country and

it is so wonderful to see how much you all love her.

We have been asked often what others can do to help,

this is just another way.

I want you to know that any way you feel is best to help,
is welcomed and appreciated.

Just know this is an option.

If you are interested you can go to any Key Bank and

ask to donate to The Dawna Golden Donation Fund.

Thank you for continuing to send love and support our way.

It has been a little over a month since we found out about the cancer,

but it still feels like yesterday to us.

Round Two

We are at SCCA as mom gets her second dose of chemotherapy.
She is doing great! And she got one of her favorites...grape juice.
We were able to be moved to a bigger room with a bed. She also got to meet with a nutritionist, which was helpful.
Its a good girls day too!

Feeling Grateful

I'm sorry for leaving all of you hanging. I'm doing fine. It was a little bit of a rough week but feeling close to normal now.
I continue to be overwhelmed by the thoughtful acts of service performed by friends and family and even strangers. I definately do not feel like I'm in this alone. Thank you to everyone who has brought in a meal, come to clean my house, dropped off surprise goodies, sent notes of love and encouragement, and continues to pray for me and my family. I feel so loved.

"Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted - a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul."
- Rabbi Harold Kushner"

Valentines

Thank you for the thoughtful Valentine gifts Mom received today. It is her second day of chemo and she is feeling a lot worse than yesterday. They were much appreciated pick me ups! She spent most of the day in bed. We are so grateful for wonderful friends who have been so supportive and loving through all this.
Happy Valentines Day!

ER

On Friday night we went to the emergency room again. Mom hadn't been feeling good. She had a headache and fever. She also felt nauseous. We were worried her port had gotten infected since it had gotten a little wet earlier. Her blood pressure was the highest its been. 181/101. The doctor we called said to get her blood drawn to see if it was an infection so we decided to go yo the emergency room in Monroe. After a really long wait they were able to help her. Things went back to normal and there was thankfully no infection.

Mom starts chemo today 8am! Glad to get it started...we will soon see how she reacts to it.

Special thanks to the girls who came over yesterday to bring her a chemo basket! So sweet and thoughtful.

Prognosis

Monday we went in to our first oncology visit.

Almost to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance

Beautiful view from the waiting room

The first thing we were told is that they cannot "cure" stage 4 colon cancer, but they can extend my life expectancy with chemotherapy. They said that on average with treatment I could expect to live two years. Of course we have read about those who have survived this and I believe that if it's the Lord's will, I can too.


I go in on Thursday to have a "port" put in which provides a simple and relatively painless (I hope) method to administer chemotherapy drugs.


Monday I begin chemotherapy. I will be there a large part of the day to get chemo and then go home with a pump that will continue to give me chemo over the next couple of days. Then a nurse will come "unhook" me, take her pump and I will continue this process every other Monday for a couple of months. Then I will have a CT scan to see how I am responding.
The good news is the doctor doesn't think I will lose my hair! I guess I didn't need to get this haircut afterall but it sure is a LOT easier to do! Of course I wonder how sure he can be that I won't lose hair so I'm prepared for either way.

This whole thing has happened so fast. I can not believe I am sitting here talking about the things I'm talking about. But there is one thing I want all of you to know...I trust my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. If I have to go through this, there is a  reason. And I know I am being watched over and blessed as well as my family. I am so grateful to all of you for your outpouring of love and concern for me and my family.