Missing Her

This is my last planned post.

The past 11 weeks I have had constant flash backs from any given moment in time with my Mom. She is dead, but still very much alive. At night, in my dreams, I can even smell her. I have never lost someone close to me before. It's a shame she had to be my first. I sometimes think of what we would be doing if she never had cancer. Right now, she would be on her way to Charlotte to squish her cute grandson and help me make our new house a home by decorating and, well, you name it. How we both looked forward to that, and so many things.

Between the memories and clinging thoughts of her, I can hear a distant voice so clear "...it's cancer." My heart sank to the point of disappearing. I spent over two years pulling my heart back up only to find she's taken it with her. It feels gone forever. Somehow life goes on. It really is odd. The day she was diagnosed and the day she died. Those two moments changed me forever. They literally altered my being. I am able to see others who are going through this, with so much understanding. I know that is how our Savior sees us. He suffered for us so that He can understand us and know how to comfort us. The atonement goes so much deeper, but I have experienced His pure love for us, charity, because of this heartache. I have a deeper understanding and love for others because I know what it feels like. I am so grateful that I can turn to Christ in my trials and feel peace. Also, for those around me who have shown me love and understanding during this.

Watching my Mom breathe her last few minutes, I can not express to you the way she showed me such strength. It was scary and it was painful, for us both. But it was also in a way, beautiful. Knowing how she lived her life and imagining her welcomed home with open arms. I can not wait to see her again.

I feel like she is very present in my life. I love that. It's not how I pictured it, but nothing can break our bond as family, not even death. For however long I have left in this life, I hope I can endure it well, like she did.

_ _ _

Thank you to all of our friends and family who helped with the funeral and graveside services. And for all of those in attendance. It was heartwarming to see so many people. My family and I have certainly felt loved.

Family Formals

A few pictures my Uncle Lee took throughout the few days of funeral arrangements. Thanks so much to all the family who came to Washington and Utah. It was wonderful to feel supported by your love for my Mom and us.

For you, Mom.

Creating is cultivated,

in your selfless heart.

Brush strokes, sewn hems, beautifying,

your life produced much art.

The talents that you magnified,

touched lives of all around.

As "Mother," your teachings to us,

were something quite profound.

You filled your life with endless purpose,

it goes beyond the grave.

How do I begin to thank you

for the example that you gave.

It is in the things you did,

and what you chose to say.

I know that your love for Him

is how you found your way.

Unwavering faith, endured much,

a broken heart, made whole.

Until the day we meet again,

you'll be here in my soul.

--Valerie

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

Wednesday, July 16 at 6:15pm our Mom passed away. She was awake and alert when she left. We were there to watch her go. How badly I wanted to stop her suffering. It was difficult to watch, but I knew letting her get through it was the only way she would be pain free and with her own Mom again. I miss her so much. Words do not even come close to explaining the feelings we all felt, and still feel. She was an amazing woman. How grateful we are to call her "mom", our family's sweetheart. There is a hole in our hearts, until we see her again. My dear dad has been a rock for us and handled her passing with such grace and faith. Her battle with cancer is lost, but not without a few good kicks from Dawna and all who love her.

Please join us in gathering for her funeral services in Monroe, Washington.

The funeral service will be held Monday July 21st

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

17332 Tester Road

Viewing will be 9:00-10:30am

Funeral service will begin at 11:00am

There will be a graveside service in Brigham City, Utah on July 24th at Brigham City Cemetery at 9:00am, where we will lay her body to rest.

Thank you for the love and support extended. Keep the love coming!

Dear Family and Friends

At Valerie's request, I am writing to give you an update on Dawna.
 
She is living her last days at home with her family. She has loved ones with her at all times. She has excellent medical care. She is peaceful and comfortable. The Goldens ask that you respect this intimate and treasured time together. 
 
The family welcomes expressions of love and support; they also respectfully ask that there be no visitors. There is a mail holder next to the front door, if you want to leave a card or a message. Please feel free to comment here or send email messages.
 
As a friend, I thank you for your love and support for Dawna and her loved ones. 
  
With love and respect,
Rhonda Petersen

Change

I am so sorry for the lack of posts. I suppose I kept the hospice experience more intimate. The purpose of this post is to show the change my Mom has endured over the past few months, and to note a more substantial decline in the last few weeks.

Since our visit to my mom in April, my brother Corey made it out in May to see Mom. I love this first picture of them. It makes me want to jump inside and hug them both! This will be a treasure for Corey to have to look back on.

This weekend, baby Kurt and I returned home from a week long trip to see my Mom again. It is so fun to see her face light up when she see's Kurtis. Here are some photos from our trip.

I could probably list off all of the not so pretty things about how cancer is treating her, but I won't. Just know she is in a lot of pain and discomfort, and she is loved and taken care of. The hospice nurses that come are very sweet and helpful. My Mom has such dear friends who have stepped in a carried her through this significant trial in her life. The support, help and love extended to my family makes my heart swell. The countless meals, treats, flowers, cards and more, brought over strengthens the foundation of faith we stand on as we approach the end. Mom you are the sweetest and most selfless person I know. What an honor it has been to help and serve you, even if it was only a few days. I am so grateful for those who are still helping. We love you Mom!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

My mother is still doing well. I expected complete bed rest when I heard hospice. She is up and about, but not as much as before. Garrett and I wanted to bring her grandson, Kurtis, for a visit while she could still enjoy him. Not to mention we were a bit homesick for the pacific northwest. So we booked the flights and had one goal...to spend as much time with my mom, and family, as possible! (Corey, we missed you!!)

While we were there we had some last minute family pictures done at home by Chantel. (www.photographybyblush.com) They turned out so beautiful!

Dear Friends and Family

This is Valerie again, my family and I have appreciated feeling your love and prayers on our behalf. It feels good to be lifted and supported throughout this experience. This post will be the hardest to share since the news of my mom's diagnosis.

After the last CT scan decisions of what to do next faced us like a dead end street. There was one last treatment option, a targeted therapy, technically not chemotherapy. Weighing the pros and cons of the treatment, at first it seemed automatic to just get started on it, because what other choice did we have? Well, it comes down to quality of life. We knew in the beginning this was terminal. It is not about chasing treatments, it's about making my mom feel as comfortable and as pain free as possible while enjoying time with family and friends. With this last treatment came side effects that would have given her more bad days than good. It was not worth it to continue treatment, so she has stopped them. We feel this was the best decision! With nothing else to be done she is now on hospice.

I remember getting the call, I was looking out of my bedroom window. Everything went blurry for a minute and my heart sank. As I was holding my 2 month old son, I felt so sad. A kind of sad I have never felt before. A flood of memories came over me and clashed with moments I had envisioned in the future with my mom. After it sank in, that she will be passing soon, I felt an overwhelming sense of strength and peace. I feel so loved by God and I know He wants me to be happy. I know without a doubt that she will still be part of my life. She will be with me in spirit and I will see her again. I love her so much.

Lots of joy!

Today was an awesome day! Ian came home from his two year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on January 7th. He spoke in church today and shared with us how he learned to recognize and follow the Spirit. He shared how his understanding of the gospel grew as he studied. And how when he learned of my cancer just as he was beginning his mission he studied harder and learned for himself the plan of salvation and spoke of the peace he felt when he understood it. His testimony is firm. I can't include everything he said here but it has brought me great joy to see his growth, and to know that he knows.

On the evening of the 7th, after picking up Ian, I wasn't feeling well. I went to lay down and when I woke up a couple hours later, I had a fever. I'm supposed to call into my doctor any time I have a fever. I haven't had a fever in a long time. But I know that because they only seem to happen at night, it means a trip to the ER. Sure enough we found ourselves in the ER. I was so afraid that I was neutropenic and that I would be admitted and our trip to Atlanta on the 9th would have to be postponed. But as sure as everybody seemed to be that I was neutropenic and would be admitted, it turned out not to be the case. They determined that I had picked up some kind of virus and would be fine to travel. Yay! So by the end of the next day I was feeling back to myself again and we were anxiously packing to go and see our new grandson!

Our trip was awesome! We stayed with my son-in-law's parents who are also friends of ours. They were very gracious for putting us up and putting up with us for over a week. It was nice to see them and catch up. I had all of my children together in one place and seeing my grandson was amazing. He is adorable and already you can see some if his personality.  It was incredible watching my daughter be a mother and seeing how my sons adored their nephew. We were exited to see Eddie's brother and his wife an their daughter. They flew down for a day to see everyone. It was nice catching up with them. Between Valerie and I we couldn't go out and do as much as we would have liked but the boys did a few fun things like going shooting and visiting the aquarium and playing basketball together. My favorite was going to story corps. It is free and their mission is to provide people of all backgrounds and beliefs with the opportunity to record, share, and preserve the stories of our lives. What an awesome idea! You get to go into a room, record your story and they preserve it and you get a copy! We originally were going to go in and have my husband record his 9/11 experience but at the last minute we decided that I would go in with my three sons and we would talk about this cancer experience and how it has affected each of us. What a special time that was. I enjoyed that conversation and the time spent with them so much. It was the right conversation to have.

So, now I'm back home ready to settle into a routine again but feeling so blessed with life's greatest blessings. A grandson. A son who has come home a man, ready to do what the Lord wants him to do. A daughter who has become a mother and her husband who is good and patient and helpful. A son who is serving his country and has such high ambitions and goals for his life. And another son who is preparing to go out on a mission and serve. I am grateful for all these things and more. It's a wonderful life!

Now back to January 6th and the ct scan results. There are two things they look at when making a determination on how treatment will go. The first is the tumor markers and the second is the ct scan. The scan is more heavily relied on than the tumor markers. This scan showed that right now things are stable meaning things are not growing  (they're not shrinking either) but the tumor markers have gone up. This chemo has been a hard one on me. He reduced the chemo a couple of rounds ago and I have done better. But he's thinking that the reduction is what has caused the numbers to go up. So he is going to increase the chemo back to 100% but take out the 5FU part of the chemo which is what is in the pump that I bring home for two days. The thought of not coming home with a pump makes me want to jump for joy and may be the only reason I agreed to go back up to 100%. We'll see how this goes. Hanging on till my next scan in a couple of months.

Happy Birthday!

It is so hard living on the other

side of the world, practically, from my Mom.

And today makes it even harder! It is her birthday today.

There is only so much I can do from all the way over here.

I figured a public, "Yipee! It's your Birthday!" post would be good.

Mom, I hope you have a great birthday.

I don't like to see you struggle. You are a wonderful example to me and those around you of  faith and good perspective. I looked through some old photos today, which only made me more homesick and miss you even more! I am in awe, as I think back through the years, at your incredible selflessness.

I'm so happy you are my Mom and that we are so close.

Happy Birthday!!

xoxo

Folfiri

My first round of the new chemo, folfiri was not very pleasant. I left SCCA in a wheelchair, dizzy, and with twitching eyes. My eyes finally got back to normal after about 5 hours. It was a side effect of one of the meds they gave me to reduce an expected side effect that I never got. I won't be taking that again. One side effect of this chemo is a lovely acne type rash which I do have.

I went in for my 2nd round and was neutropenic so I couldn't have chemo that day. Instead, I went in the next three days for shots to help boost my white blood count. So chemo was delayed a week and I went in on Tuesday. Everything went well. I feel good. The only thing is that my hair is thinning big time.  I don't know how much I'll loose but it's freaking me out a bit when I wash my hair and I find big clumps of hair in my hands and also when I style it. I'm trying to stay positive but losing your hair is hard. 

My last CT scan showed not only the tumors in my lungs growing but the one in my colon growing as well. I feel I made the right decision in making the chemo switch. I have gone in for testing on the colon. The pictures show a significant narrowing of the colon in one place which has been giving me problems. I will be going in next week to have a stent put in to help relieve those problems and make me more comfortable. 

I know that whatever we are asked to go through in this life it is for our growth and benefit. I am trusting the process and am striving to stay positive and learn what is meant for me to learn and do what is asked of me to do. I love my family and am strengthened by their support as well as the support of fabulous friends. This would be so much harder without you! I trust in my Savior and know that He loves me and is with not only me but my family as we go through this. All of these things bring me comfort and peace.

Blessing in Disguise

Life has been a whirlwind, running from one thing to the next. Everything from family coming to visit to prepping Jason to leave for his two year mission, grocery shopping and everything in between. It has been anything but the quiet norm around here. Last week was supposed to be a chemo treatment week, but with the excitement going on, was pushed back to today.

This is Valerie, writing again on my mom's account. We are currently at SCCA bright and early in the morning. It is so good to be back home, I miss Seattle very much and it is great to be with my family. Jason is leaving tomorrow, I can hardly believe it. I am so lucky to be here watching him prepare to serve his mission.

After the usual pre-chemo blood test, the results were a blessing in disguise. My mom's white blood cell count was too low to do chemotherapy today. This is the first time being turned away. With all that has been going on, her body did not get adequate rest. This means we push back chemo another week, not without a little help for next time. We are waiting for her to get a shot to help boost those white blood cells! She needs to be careful hygiene wise by eating well, getting rest, washing hands more frequently because she is more susepctible to infections and the like. It is a blessing because today is Jason's last day and we get to spend it with him!! My mom is so thrilled about that. Just so everyone knows, this happens and is not uncommon for cancer patients. It is something they monitor regularly and will treat as needed.

We're off to enjoy our day! See you next week SCCA.

Visiting Family

For lots of reasons we took a family trip on the East Coast. It was so nice to be together again, but this time we saw extended family. We started in Baltimore and made our way up to New York. Baltimore/DC was our favorite! We got to see our cousins and did a lot more site seeing. Thanks MD Goldens for a great time!

It was a blast!.....

Fort McHenry

Washington DC!

We stopped at the 911 Memorial in NYC

We also saw old neighborhood friends, met up with friends from our church, and

saw my Dad's extended family for a Father's Day dinner.

Corey and Ian were missed for this trip!

Both Mom and Dad had to get root canals on the trip! Can you believe it!? They each were having problems with their teeth before the trip, but the cabin pressure on the flight quickened the pain and urgency to take care of it. Luckily they were both able to be fit in at the dentist (one in Maryland and one in New York).

It was a quick trip, but I was so grateful to see my parents and Jason! So blessed that mom was feeling up for the trip. Thanks for the love and support we felt from some of you!

Here's to Family

The results of the CT scan my mom had a few weeks ago showed no growth in her tumors. Only the tumor in her thyroid shrunk just a little. Because of these results, the doctor decided to keep her on folfox (the current chemo she has been on) for another two months of treatments. She will have another CT scan at the end to check the progress again and decide from there if there will be any changes.

From the talks I've had with her and check in calls, she gets tired more frequently now. Her hair has started to thin again. She has even started feeling nauseous and throwing up (sorry mom, but friends should know). I will catch her working on her quilts and doing things she loves which makes me feel so grateful. I am so happy she has energy to keep going. However hard it is and however sick she feels sometimes, I know she keeps going for us, her kiddies. I wish our family was closer so that we could be more helpful and share more memories together, but I know even when we can't see the daily struggles and feelings she has, that she thinks of us and finds it in her to keep going. I know we all think of her often and are amazed. There is nothing better than family and I feel so lucky to have mine. For those who haven't heard, the youngest in our family, Jason, is leaving in August to serve a two year LDS mission in the Philippines. I know it was a hard decision for him to make, but hard as it was our family is so proud of his decision. In January, we will welcome home Ian who is serving his mission in San Diego. My mom has been holding strong especially for him. He was gone when we learned about the cancer. I know when the two of them meet again, it will be a very sweet reunion. There is something about our family being apart, but feeling close. I love knowing I have them forever.

Good News and News

The good news is...Valerie followed me back to Seattle for what started out as a two week visit and has now turned into three! She came out to help with putting the house back together from the water damage. The new floor is in, and GORGEOUS! We all love it! Downstairs is all painted. The bathroom is nearly complete. It feels like a new house downstairs. Thanks to friends who came to help us in such stressful times. We appreciate the support and feel very loved!

Now for the news. After the last four rounds of chemo my numbers have dropped to 345. Today was my CT scan and we went over the results with my oncologist. The CT scan showed that the tumors in my liver and thyroid are stable...not growing, but the tumors in my lungs are growing and multiplying. He wants to be 100% sure that the new growth is cancer so I will be going in for a biopsy in the next couple of days. If it is not cancer, we will continue the treatment I am on now, folfox. If it is cancer, the chemo regimen will change, to folfiri. I qualify for a clinical trial. It will be an addition to the folfiri. Some of the side effects with the new chemo will be nausea, anorexia, acne rash and no more neuropathy (cold sensitivity and tingling in hands/feet).

It was expected that I would stop responding to the folfox at some point and would be switched to another chemo. There are four chemo regimens. All that I have done up to this point has been the first. If we switch, it will begin the second. There is a 50/50 chance that the clinical trial could be a better treatment. We have the choice to participate. I feel it is worth a shot.

East Coast Visit

When my Mom was on the pill form of chemo, she was feeling pretty good and around Christmas time we planned a trip for her to visit us in Charlotte. We planned for March, a big part because Wicked was coming to town. It was perfect, she booked plane tickets and play tickets and the countdown began. A few weeks before her coming out, she had stopped responding to the pill and needed to be put back on the infusion form. This makes my stomach turn because, well, for all sorts of reasons, but mainly because I knew it meant she was not going to be living life as comfortably anymore. The physical side effects of this treatment are harsh and seem to pile on.

Luckily, she was still able to come out. We had her for two whole weeks! Her sister also lives in Charlotte and my brother, Corey, lives two hours away. My mom got to triple dip!

There were two treatments before she came. The side effects are creeping back in her life. She had one bad day, her second day here. She had very bad pain, the exact same as in the beginning when she was prepping for her colonoscopy. We thought she might end up in the ER again. Things calmed down and she was good for the rest of her trip. Her hands and feet are peeling a lot and Corey found these really cool socks/gloves that are aloe/olive oil coated which are good.

She was surprised how much she liked the south and I had a great time showing her around. We went to the Columbia Temple, Farmers Markets, Latta Plantation, bakeries, southern restaurant to eat fried green tomatoes and shrimp and grits, lots of cute shops, parks, haircut, train ride, went to see OZ with Corey and Wicked with Lauana, and lots more!

It sure is quiet now that she's gone...

CT Scan Results

Monday was my mom's first CT Scan that I did not go to. I was bummed and it seemed like I heard about 50 cancer commercials at work. She is sick with a cold and not feeling too well, but it did not effect anything and the appointment went on as usual.

Great news!! Her cancer markers are down, way down, to 209! Remember, that's all the way from 16,000!

The tumors are shrinking a little bit, not anything significant, but they are at least still responding to the treatments and a little smaller is better than nothing. She is still on the pill version of chemo which has been more convenient to do. And so far so good since the last dosage adjustment. She has felt more herself these days, which is amazing!!!

She is now enjoying a week with one of her brothers, and his family. Wish I was there!

Chemo stopped due to hand/foot syndrome

10 days into round two of my chemo pill and I have the hand/foot syndrome again. They have already reduced my dose due to this side effect. Now they have me stopping all further chemo for this round and I have a week off next week. I guess they will reevaluate when I go back in to them. Maybe they will reduce my dose again. I feel so good other than my painful feet.
I am currently enjoying a visit from my brother and his family. Unfortunately, my feet started hurting the day they arrived so we can't go do much of anything because I need to stay off of my feet. Sorry, guys.
But I'm glad I can enjoy the blessing of family and feeling good.

Mother's day blessings

So, I figured I had better put an update on the blog. I have been handling the Chemo pretty well until this last one. This week was a little tough. There is a side effect that affects the hands and feet. I've had it a couple of times before but never as bad as this week. My feet hurt so bad it was very hard to walk. I'm supposed to put lotion on them to keep them from cracking and peeling. As soft as I could I would apply the lotion but it was still painful. It's a burning pain and very tender to the touch. Even today I went to church and my feet were still a little tender in my shoes. It's never lasted this long before. This along with other side effects has made this week a little tough.
I am still grateful for all the little things that come into my life to make it easy to keep going. This mother's day was the best. I spoke to all of my children including my missionary. It was wonderful! I loved listening as they talked and laughed with each other. My kids really do love each other! :))) I love watching them develop into capable, confident adults and enjoy each other's company. This makes me very happy.
Thank you to my family for the best Mother's Day ever!

Pains

On Tuesday the 17th...
(which also happens to be my wedding anniversary)
Mom was having pains in her shoulder and side.
She laid down and had trouble breathing.
By this time Garrett and I were in Seattle celebrating
and had no idea what Mom was going through.
My dad checked in with her.
After calling the nurses and checking with the doctors,
they told her to go to the emergency room.
My dad drove her.
Everything turned out to be alright.
No blood clots, infection or anything they were worried about.
The doctor there said it is probably just
pains from a dying tumor.

When we got home from Seattle,
Jason updated us on where our parents were and
how Mom had been feeling all day.
They did not come home until around 1:00am.
This, to me, was a little taste of what it will be like
to be living far away.
I won't know right away how Mom is,
I won't be able to help her.
I will feel helpless.
How awful.
Even though everything turned out to be more than ok,
I couldn't help but think about "what ifs" and "whens."
Like, what if Mom needs help when I'm in Charlotte.

I'm so glad it was pains from a dying tumor.
and not a new one.